disposable no. 1 & no. 2

indiana & illinois 

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the dan ryan.jpg
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Road Doggin'

Texas looked exactly how I thought it would. The moonshine in Mississippi poured expectedly, and the group of heathens I traveled with took care of me. 

We left Chicago two weeks ago, though it feels like it's been months since I've returned. I can hardly remember the daily punches, insightful thoughts, memorable moments or much of the trip at all since most of it was spent drinking on top of smoking on top of more drinking. 

I still haven't been able to shake the feeling of home that I found in new places: something I must have found within myself on the road that escapes me even in my own loft, or my parents house.. Something I can't explain much at all. 

The weeks leading up to the trip were long and stupid, and the week following has followed suit. I'm still broke. I'm still restless. And I'm still consumed with thoughts of leaving. 

I thought I'd have much more to say about Morgan Freeman's bar, or the toilet paper you can't flush at Willie Nelson's dive, or Deak, or the South or my life, but I don't. I hardly wrote anything while on the road, and I don't have much insight to share here. 

But I do know it was worth it, and taking opportunities to travel matters. Aside from my first ever PTO/Friendsgiving trip in 2014 which resulted in my shitty termination of my first full-time job, I have only traveled for work, and occasionally allowed myself to play.

So, my hope for this year is to travel every three months, knowing that I know I can save $550 working part-time with inconsistent pay and unreliable clientele. Because even if I didn't find all the answer I sought, or write as much as I thought, the memories I have are golden, and those alongside me are now family. And taking one trip isn't going to fix my depression or eliminate negative thoughts or fill me up higher or make life easier or get me a fucking job, but it did remind me how good I am at traveling and making a home out of reclaimed material, champagne in plastic cups, pints of slaw and a cargo van.

Sometimes we gotta be uncomfortable in order for growth. 

Here I am; I am growing.